Loyalties and Licorice

Burnout 3

2005-10-26T14:57:00.000-05:00

When I have time, I like to play video games here and there. Recently i picked up Burnout 3 for Xbox for $20. For those that aren't familiar, a major aspect of the game are Takedowns, where you wreck other cars and get a speed boost for doing so. The scary thing is that I find myself wondering the best way to Takedown real cars on the road when they are going too slow. I'm not saying I would actually do it, but if it weren't for the death/injury/insurance/jail-time I would be ramming every car that tried to pass me, oh wait that's why i bought the game.

Office Visits

2005-10-26T14:17:00.000-05:00

I had some of the worst gas yesterday that I have had in weeks (and weeks without bad gas is a long time for me). It was so rank that my office chair was permiated with the stench hours after I had let one; I ended up having to switch chairs with a co-worker that left early. The point of this is not that i had gas but the strange coincidence that I can go nearly a full 8 hour shift some days and not have a single visitor to my cube but days where I have skunk like flatulents seems like visitor day at the correctional facility. I had more people in my cubicle yesterday than the previous 3 days combined. For anyone with a similar problem to this will realize how hard it is to keep a straight face when you know someone is gagging and wondering who the offender is. This brings me to my most important point/advice. When faced with the socially debilitating dellimma of stinky farts in a professional setting, always remember to crop dust librerally. For those that are not familiar with CROP DUSTING, it is just like it sounds, let one and walk around people. WARNING! this only works well for the silent but deadly variety. My friends and I have gotten so adept at crop dusting, that we can tell when someone is trying to crop dust us just by the look on there face right before they start to walk over to you. See image below for general idea of "the look."

Humor is a funny thing

2005-10-26T14:02:00.000-05:00

Have you ever stopped to think about what makes you laugh? I occasionally make people chuckle and at times find it interesting what actually makes people laugh. I've been told that maybe I should consider stand-up comedy (which I reject as something better left to the professionals) and I realize that I would make a terrible comedian whether on stage or in a sitcom. You see how I make people laugh is to take things that i have in common with that person or take something that i know personally about them and make a quick joke about it. For instance, my joke this morning where i said to a co-worker "well you got Jeremy and Ernie in the back there talkin about homoeroticism, and i was just trying to fit in." This might make you crack a little smile because you can imagine who Jeremy and Ernie are and make up your own set of circumstances where that statement would be funny but it really isn't that funny a joke without some outside assumptions which the jokee already knows. You see my co-worker knows that Jeremy and Ernie aren't gay but they huddle over each other playing Nabisco/Oreo computer pool and it would appear a bit homoerotic to the observer. This is where my sense of humor hits a brick wall. I can't stand up in front of strangers and give them the details to make a following joke funny. I mean, the setup of "so i got this girlfriend" can only go so far.

Wet Hot American Summer

2005-10-06T14:25:00.000-05:00

This has got to be the funniest movie I have seen in years. You should get to the store and rent/buy this. For some reason I love movies that have no plot and toss in a little nonsense. Dazed and Confused, The Big Lebowski, this movie. None have a plot but they all make my top 10 favorite movie list, if i had a favorite movie list that is.

I'm picky

2005-09-28T12:33:00.000-05:00

You're damn right I'm picky. I have absolutely no just cause to be picky but I am. I won't even have a one night stand with with less than a 5 1/2 (anymore). I think it grew out of my short time in middle school where everyone picks on everyone else. I became very addept at picking out even the most gorgeous persons faults, crooked nose, goiter, etc. you know what i mean. It doesn't make me feel better about myself as my friends and siblings tend to think but it sure does make for some fun people watching. Maybe it is because i look like that little fuck from the MTV show "The Andy Milonakis Show" or maybe it is because i look like Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts. I think everyone looks like someone from TV, of course it is my luck that i look like the two biggest dipshits to grace television. At least i don't have a lisp and walk funny like you.

100 Thing to do before you die..revisited

2005-09-27T11:15:00.000-05:00

I am crossing "have sex with a teenager" off my list. Horray for me! That didn't take long, now only 99 more things to do.

Acronyms

2005-09-24T11:56:00.000-05:00

At me place of employment we have have been given the responsibilty of reporting all of our major projects into a relational database that WILL NOT, I repeat WILL NOT be used to evaluate our preformance in any way shape or form, wink wink... Well in a departmental meeting several weeks ago we decided that we needed to come up with important sounding acronyms for bullshit projects so we can sound like we are doing important 'tings. It started out innocent enough with Acronyms like COBRA, and STRIKE, but soon degenerated into the most humorous office meeting I've ever been a part of. We all were willing to begin immediate work on the New Acronyms Project (NAP) and we all recognized that we were part of the Administrative Resource Management Project Innitiation Team (ARM PIT). They got a little dirtier but the important thing is that we got to waste a good 20 minutes. I would encourage you to make a list of Acronyms that you can bust out next time your boss asks how you've been spending your time. Maybe he is part of the Administrative Support Services Leverage Input Cooperative. Have fun with it.
Yacs

Embrace the empty nest!

2005-09-24T11:44:00.000-05:00

My job reguires me to speak to college students on a daily basis. I have absolutely no problem helping even the most idiotic and mildly retarded students; it is when i hear the following words when i answer the phone that i begin to harbor a deep, subtle rage: "My Son/Daughter would like to take classes....." I do not know exactly how it was in the 30's, 40's, 50's etc. but i can take a good guess that parents let their shildren do most of the work when it came to applying to college. I have even heard the following from a parent. "Well i am not sure what classes he wants to take, he is sleeping right now i'll have to call you back." JESUS CHRIST! Do these kids what an education or not? I am a fresh college grad myself so I know how easy it is to apply to school and get started, if you can't even do that much for yourself then how do they expect to do the work themselves.

I have even heard of a new phenomenon where parents come visit their children at the dorms every weekend bringing gift packages and checking on their classes by contacting the students instructors. I just find this to be hideously funny and stupid. For god sake parents, enjoy your new found freedom and trust that the prior 18 years you spent preparing your little dip shit for this moment will be enough.

DVD shrink

2005-09-21T14:19:00.000-05:00

For all of you that have multiple abodes you might want to take a gander at DVD shrink, a free program that lets you make backup copies of your DVD movies. It is FREE (my favorite word in the english language, FREE SEX, being my favorite phrase) program and it works on most DVD's. Some DVDs have enough copy protection that it doesn't work right but if you have two houses like me and do not want to buy a second set of movies for the lake cottage then try it out. You can not download it from the product website but a google search will yield impressive results. I made a copy of The Big Lebowski to take to the lake and it works great, to get the quality to be high, i left off the full screen version, since i was burning a double layer disc onto a single layer disc. It looks just as good and it feels like i saved myself the $10 i would have spent on a new disc.

Labor Day

2005-09-07T13:08:00.000-05:00

My Labor Day weekend went splendid. We spend Friday and Saturday at the lake drinking and practicing general debauchery. Sunday was a total waste sitting in from of a TV watching season one of Desperate Housewives (no I'm not ghey) and playing Halo 2. Monday we had a cook out at my parents house with about 30 people. We played cornhole which solicited about 288 jokes about sodomy and whatnot. I'm not one to critique comedy but I don't know if I have ever heard a sodomy joke that wasn't funny. But coming from someone who has never been sodomized without my consent, I don't think I have a true grasp of why some people might find such jokes distasteful. Well I'll take Flowers for Algernon's word for it that "Ignorance is Bliss" in this instance.

Coffee and Cigarettes make me shit

2005-09-02T12:40:00.000-05:00

Sometimes in my life I will drink coffee and have a cigarette in near proximity. I am no scientist but I could swear that this combination melds together to form the worlds most perfect and fastest acting laxative. I'll spare you the swirlly, streaky details but it never fails. Give it a shot I dare you.

100 Thing to do before you die

2005-09-01T15:04:00.000-05:00

I made a list of the things I wanted to do before I die. Here is small sample:

Throw a Bachelor party
Have sex with at least 8 people
Drink 50 different kinds of beers
Drink Absynthe
Make a rap song
Sleep with a teenager
Steal something worth less than $0.25
Sleep with a friends ex-girlfriend
Stop coveting sodomy

Now this is only a small fraction of the whole and these might not fit your list but it is a good start for any upstanding citizen. Get started on your own list.

Welcome all ye faithful!

2005-09-01T13:15:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the most incoherent, most poorly proof-read blog on the internets. If anyone is intrigued by the blog title "Loyalties and Licorice" it is my Ying and Yang, I happen to be feircely loyal and I hate licorice. Don't worry it doesn't make sense to me either really, but it has that 7th grade flare that really makes you ponder how stupid people can be right? Oh, it doesn't? Well I probably won't be posting everyday but I will see how this goes. Have you ever heard the saying "looking into the mind of a serial killer?" Well here you won't get a serial killer so much as an idiot, but hey there are only minor differences anyway.
Thanks,
Yacs